The clock is still ticking...

Counting down till 3 years, I think I need a break now.

To hang out with myself. Save money and not spend to others. Love myself more so I could have my normal dinner back, which I don't have it for like months and months now. To clean up, sweep and mop the house; which I have to do it all by myself. To focus on my career. And especially spend more time with my mother.

I don't understand myself and I've been telling myself that each time I will not spend for any boyfriend who ever I will be dating. But each time when I see their puppy eyes saying that they like the things very much (either clothing, accessories or perfumer, etc) and I straight get it for them.

As for myself, I don't even dare to spend like hundred to buy myself a clothing or any heels. And 2ndly, I don't quite like guys who buying for me either. Maybe I'm an Idiot. I should have spend guys money on myself which I shouldn't have stopped them rather than I spend on them instead.

Besides, our taste of food was different. I like going to Starbucks or Gloria Jeans, but he don't. I like eating xiong tong lala and crab at jinjang, where else he likes having crab at PJ. I like Korean BBQ food alot, where else I usually eat with him on Japanese food.

I've been thinking. Maybe because I'm in financial, and he's paying for the meals. So I have to cut off those things I like to eat, as I'm not paying it. But when I think of it, it doesnt feel right as previously my ex treated the food and drinks I like. So I still wondering. What's wrong in treating me on once a blue moon?

(That's why, to eat what I really love to eat, I need a break down. As once I start saving, I can eat whatever I've been longing or drink when ever I like)

I feel so stupid to date guys that suck all of my money.

Ok. Maybe not them who suck my money, but I'm the one who willing to give it to them?

Like seriously, if you love someone, you will definately madly in love with the person. Like the movie I've posted at my blog just few days back "Only You (Always)"it shows that how strong their love connection is. Where else, I dont think I'm having one right now.

I know how's the strong love connection is as I have that feeling before and it really do hurt me like hell when we broke off. I wish to find back the feeling and spend the rest of my life just with the person. But I dont think I have it now and I dont wanna waste any of our time as years is coming and our age are growing older.

Like I said before. I dont have any kisses or any intimates for years now. I even told the guy before that if one day he really kissed me, I might avoid, get angry or fought for him. As I might felt strange for : suddenly to start a kiss where else our feels was not there anymore.

Yes, I am thankful that he bought me a computer so I can work at home instead of OTing all nights at office. I know he cares. But cares and without any love ; it just seems not right enough.

I don't know. I'm stuck. I'm blank.

PS: If you know who you are, do give me some space for the time being. 10Q!