Ching Ming

Dear Justin,

Got my pressie?? Saw my baby neo?? Nice not? Pretty not?? U like it?

That's what I wanna ask you.

Thanks to Fatty for bringing me to Nirvana. Though I'm not easy to recognize that road, but at least I did make my effort to drive Baby Neo to meet Justin.

It was last sunday, I bought stuff for Justin. Esp MONEY! I know he might need money more than anything. Even bought a set box of mobiles for him. That set mobile is not bad. Got Sony Erricson, which include high-tech 3G. Goodness. He can show off to his buddies liao. Somemore, I did bought Cig from 7-11 for him. Know he likes Marlboro filter, but ..nah... I prefer him to smoke light.

Drove to Nirvana, took me... I also forgot how many hours to reach there. Countless. But who cares? At least we're safe arrive there and I can meet him - that's what I hope for.

I light up the colok and later on, burn the packaging for him. Fatty helped me out. Both of us wore black, and it's sux. Weather was pretty hot. Burn man.


Justin, Smoke Less, Your Fren.


Justin, I Miss You, Your Fren







Making sure everything was really burn to ash.

After everything was done. Fire slowly to subside, fade off. I began my path to walk to Justin's ash place. Fatty went out to buy some drinks (since there is NO SHOPS! Just ice-cream man). I talked to Justin for quite some time.

Bi, did you hear me? Did you really sees me? I wanna talk with you alot lot more. But there was a small child standing next to me, talking with you. She might think that I'm talking to walls like those insane person. Luckily she not tell her mommy saying "mummy, mummy... you see this jie jie. She talk with the dead people. Can we do that the same to grandpa and grandma??" Hah!

Full of joy.

Full of sorrow.

Seeing you left me behind far far away from you. Away from your distance. How long can I keep on going without you by myside? It hurts alot. Though I told myself I have to let you go, bits by bits. But can I?

You know, r'ber once we watch Shutter - the thai version in Maxi? Well, you were pretty afraid of what you saw. And since there is English version, I tot I might enjoy myself with fatty (which I bought him the other day to meet you) and hoping you were there right beside me enjoying the movie together. But were you there that moment?

I hold my tears not to cry. Just have a rough talk with you. But before I left, Before I close the door right infront of your face. I stare at your picture for not more than 10secs and I begin to cry. I dunno. Somehow tears just drops and starting to flow like rives. I try hold back, but couldnt. And kept asking you, WHY THE HELL YOU LEFT ME???

It's so pain you know. We share everything. You're the one who still keep in touch with me since we graduate. You're the one who willing to help me in photoshop. You're teh one who always there to cheer me up, fuck with each other, slam each other. But now? Where are you?

You really giving me a hard time. Been 2yrs you left. Your age still younger than mine, and it will never be change. IS SO UNFAIR, you know???????

But after visiting you. We went to you mother's place. You mum, OF COZ still cant forget about you. R'be rthe small baby boy you like to be with him? He grew adi. He's in kindagarden now. He's shy and cool when he 1st met him. I kept saying helo, hie, helo to him, but you know what I get at last? ZERO. He aint making friends with me. Nor smile or at least say Hie to me. None.

Your mum gave me see your baby photos. Even the time you attend for your 1st sista wedding day. You look cool. Aint smile also. So, when I flash back my dreams which you surprisingly gave it to me. I am PROUD OF MYSELF. Which you gave me a dream I cant forget. The way you actual smile at the camera. It's the most beautiful and chariming face I ever see, that even glow behind you. Is such a fairytale.

Somemore, after an hour and half. That small boy started to come near me. Taking out his books, flipping pages to let me see. Showing me that he's intelligent and have LOTS OF STARS AND A'S. He's clever boy. He luv to colour stuff as well. His skills are not bad. Your mummy say, everyone in the house aint like him, xcept for you. Cuz u will always protect and be always beside him and give all your love to him. Now, you're gone. He have no place to for a cry shoulder.

He's cute. Adorable. He took out toys from his room. One by one he's taking out his plush toys, vehicals, everything. Showing off to me that he got lots of stuff to play. AKA. Even I saw the Chicken Little was on top of the rak. I told your mum that we bought it together with wykie at Mc.D. Buy 2, but instead that stupid waiter gave another one. Means we have total of 3. One of us own one. And my chicken Little is still with me.

Your mum say, she's ok especially if the two children were there with her. Cause children can bring laughter and make the environment go messy. Oh ya. Ah Bi got one little bro. 1yr and half if not mistaken. He's same as you. Like to ban leng leng. His mum say, if he aint wearing any nice baby tee, he will not go out and will stamp around to have better clothes putted on. He's fashionable.

But if the two children were bought back to d'sara. Then your mum will starting to think of you. Cause you're the only child who can bring happiness to your family. Your mum even say you wanna pierce your ear and tattoo your body (and I know you envy of my tattoo) and guess what? She's regret that she didnt let you do it. She say, she suppose to let you do whatever you want. So, hope you wont blame your mum ok. She loves you deep down. Only sometimes you cant see it right infront of your eyes.

Your mum got ask me whether you have GF or not. And I started to tell her your story regarding you wanna tackle the gurl, who work at the bra shop. I r'ber you said you accidentally saw her changing her bra, and you looked EVERYTHING! Shit la. Your air liur is still dropping.

Well, your mum knows taht u fancy this girl alot. Even the girl tell you to smoke less, and your mum say it's good coz it's for your OWN GOOD. But I still r'ber that your mum forbid you to have any relationship with her since she's born under tiger and you're under boar and it's aint gonna merge together. But I sees your mum is fine with that girl oh?!

Anyway, it's past.

And another news is. WHY i'm not having any lump or breast cancer huh????? How come? I wish to have it. I wish to die slowly. I wish to leave this world quitely. But why GOD aint granting my WISH? Sometimes I'm sick of my life. The everyday doings. I wanna get over it. I've been talking and blogging and bubbling since I was young, till now. Anyhow, I'm having a slight operation next month. Doc say it's better to take and test some of my inner tissue for double confirmation. Huh. I tot of not going. My mum kept on telling over and over again - XTER DONT THROW THE PAPER!!! XTER NEXT MONTH IS YOUR APPOINTMENT! XTER KEEP THE PAPER PROPERLY. YOU HAVE TO GO CHECKUP TO MAKE SURE OF EVERYTHING.

Nag. How long can I continue to take this? Know she worried la. But she's over worried. But she's a good mum also. She will make one warm marmite for me before I went to sleep.