Thursday, April 10, 2008

Just A Ring...

...and turning everyone up side down.

Well, since today I'm not so happy so I decided to do some blogging. Happy or no Happy oso I blog. That's xter, and it's *ME.

Cant descibe how I feel now since after finish reading Nicole's mail. Partly what she talk about over the email is the truth also. Women need to be pampered and have luxurious lifestyle - if possible la. That's every girl's dream of. Even to a small kid.

My story goes like this:-

(I do not know whether I did mention this before. So far, I guess I havent wrote this yet. Cause I dont think it will bother me much)
When the 1st time I enter Fatty's room, I saw this picture sticked on the wall (him himself with his ex) - which I do not bother at the begining. I thought that he will at least play smart and on the seconds, he will take down the picture. But HE DID NOT. It's ok. I leave it aside. Until CNY came and it's day cleaning. Hoping he will at least do something bout the picture AGAIN. But once again, HE DID NOT. Until I told his brother about it (that, now I'm his GF and the picture is still infront of me) and his brother say "if for me, I will peel it off and throw it in the bin." So, he told his bro to peel it off. (Another meaning behind this story is, at least he HIMSELF is not the one who peel it off from the wall. So if next time someone asked him, he can give an answer such as "I didnt peel it off. My brother did it". Aint that called as "SMART?") His bro peel it off and throw it into the bin. To see what has happen, I picked up from my bare-handed hand and tell him to put it aside. And from his expression just now, he got abit "mm sai tak" feel when seeing the picture thrown into the bin. He did keep it aside, and I did not bother to know where he put at. Until few days later, I saw the picture right infront of me AGAIN. This time, it totally PISSED ME OFF. Fatty asked me what happen? I straight away told him I DO NOT LIKE THAT PICTURE. (THAT'S MAKING SENSE, WHO THE HELL GF OR BF WHOULD LIKE IT RITE?). And guess what he told me? He said "I thought you are not the jealous type? We are just best friend now. Nothing else". Well, dat picture was totally past romantic. I told him back "I already picked up the picture from the bin for you. Know is like a ONE PIECE memory for you and if you wanted to keep it, I definately cant stop you. But please, please do take care of my feelings". I even keep John's photos till now. So what? But at least I keep it inside my drawer and not exposing the pictures out.

The same ex will call few times in a month. Or at least once in two - three months. I know they are friends. And even know if she's sad or unhappy, she definately will call Fatty on the 1st place. I do not mind that actually. Since I know abit of her little background that she hardly mix out with people. (sorry if I'm wrong). So if she wanted somebody to talk, she can anytime call Fatty. She called few times since and even asked to meet up with Fatty. That's what he told me la. He said, partly he dont wanna meet this girl - afraid that she will express feelings to him which he wish not to hear it. But I told Fatty if next time she call again, even if you are eating with me, you can talk with her and I dont mind at all - cause in another way, I can be 8 poh. That's what I am. Haha... funny. So last month, I was shopping with my cousin and Fatty called me and told me that his ex is on the way to meet him. SHE WAS ON THE WAY. My goodness. She even told Fatty to meet up at Jusco cause she forgotten the road to Fatty's house. I give the permission to let him see her, since he told me what. Rather than he go hide it and meet her behind my back. (That's the BONUS I can give to Fatty so far, cause no matter what he will tell me everything, even when he knows I'm going to get upset and angry) I asked him, where are they going to sit down and talk or have something to bite? He said "we might go to Starbucks since she's like those kind of places". In my mind, I'm STUNT. WHAT??! I never NEVER had the chance to sit together with Fatty in Starbucks or CoffeeBean before. What I know is, I will not spend his money on this kind of places. But in the end, Fatty told me that she treated him. Anyhow, he find Fatty to tell him that she actually going to date one guy, but before can start the relationship, the guy ex came back to him. That's why she's very sad about it. When I heard that, I fucktup liao. Fucktup not that guy business. Is this GIRL STUFF. Is she BRAINLESS? She dare to tell Fatty that she's sad cause da ex came back to him. So, did she know what she did in the past to FATTY? She went off without leaving any messages to Fatty when she go back to HER OWN EX! What's bullshit she's talking about? All the way from Sri Petaling to Prima Jusco just to say all this nonsense, which reflected to herself now. Cant she realise what's she's doing? Somemore she wanna have a slight chat with Fatty before she went to Melaka for her part-time job. But when she's back, she called Fatty and told him that she reached KL adi. Asking where is he work now and bla bla bla. Cant Fatty just talk as "why you wanna tell me that you reach KL? I work where or when, why you wanna know?" Cant he be straight to people sometimes? Well, fine. If he aint acting straightly to people, nor I will. I will be you mirror. Reflect the same position of what you do. Reflect everything. (Nicole, thanks for the idea. It helps alot. Mirror do play an important role.) I know, might be she just want to let Fatty know she's back KL safely. But..HELLO, If you're smart, just keep a distance away la. Common sense ok. Even I have a best buddie and he have GF also. I didnt even disturb him, unless I reli reli do need his help. Even flash back to him. But we aint over it. We have our limits as well.

John came and find me lunch twice. The 1st time he told me that he will give me a credit card and a new phone IF I'm going to split up with Fatty infront of him over the phone. 2nd time meet up, he told me that he still wearing the ring which I returned back to him when we break up. And that's make his exGF totally "mm song". I did told him; either throw the ring away or put it aside. The answer I got from John is "Is just a ring. No big deal". But it's not about deal or no deal man. Girls heart is very small and easy to get sensitive and jealous. But it feels nice to see him/her jealous, cause from there you will know that she/he really do love you. If she/he dont bother about it, den you can just prepare for the break-up section. While talking about the ring, he pulled it out from his last finger and show me the marks, which he really did wear it over the past 2 years. I put it back on my finger and it's abit loose. So I tuck in my own ring to hold back the ring from falling out. Until finished out lunch, when I got in the office I noticed that I'm still wearing it. He told me dont throw it but just let me wear for temperory. Fine. I wear it - till now. I'm afraid he will suddenly call me out for lunch, and then I can on spot give back the ring to him. That's the main purpose I'm wearing it with me no matter where I go. So today Fatty told me that "when you wanna take it out?" I give him back his topic "Why? You jealous ar? I thought you wont get jealous wan? It's just a ring only. Nothing else. We are only friends". (That's the paragraph I gave back to him since the picture's incident. You never care about me, why should I right? I just will do the same things back to you, to let you feel what I felt that moment.) I kept asking him whether is he jealous or not? He say he didn't. Then, FINE. If you want to have FACE with me, there's nothing I can do, and the pain you can bare your ownself. Anyhow, I will take it off by today. I dont feel like making matter go worst. But I will put back the ring on my finger if one day Fatty make me cry and unhappy. So, better keep his ass close and fingercross tight tight.

The most bother me more is about Fatty's 1st ex. She's the ex I most afraid off. Bitchy type in another description. She called fatty once and asked him "wah, at last got people want you ar?". She even told fatty, if got time can go out yum cha. Then Fatty say "if got time 1st la". Meaning, I wont go out with you la, cause I'm dating someone's daughter now. I told Fatty I do not like his 1st ex. And hoping that he will keep a far distance from her. Once, we at One Station with Fatty and Devi. And Fatty saw his 1st ex. He told me his ex is at the corner of the shop. And because I'm 8 poh type, me and devi just walk by to have a look at her. Not bad! Fair, tall and pretty somemore. I got told Fatty why not he go say hie to her. He say dunwan la. Then feel abit relief already. Until... Well, well, well. She drove her car to Fatty house and ask him about car stuff. She even show fatty that she have a boyfriend, which fatty told me - she reli do love this guy alot, cause she put the picture in her purse. Which she wont do that to a guy if she do not love that guy so much. They have lots of jokes and laughter. It creeps me off when Fatty told me about it. He even told her that he's going to meet me and have dinner and asking whether she wanna join or not. But her answer is NO, and told him that Girl heart is very difficult to handle. Fatty kept telling her that I'M OKAY de. SINCE WHEN I'M OK? And I thought that HE IS KEEPING A FAR DISTANCE FROM HER?? Issit he wanna play fire or what? As I said, she's bitch and she's always a bitch to me. Even now she have a rich boyfren who can give her anything or might be everything, but once - if they break up one day (touchwood) I'm sure she will overcome me. Just hoping he will not only see for his own thinking himself - that he's right - which the girl have good bf and the picture in her purse proved everything, and now they are good buddies back.

I laughed at myself. How come I didnt break up with Fatty since he still keep in touch with his ex? I mean, his ex keep in touch with him. Why did I break up with john - the final round when I find out that he and his ex is still keeping in touch with each others? What's all this stuff?? In another direction, I'm proud of myself that I overcome ex's. But will it last long?

I just wish that he can look after himself. Look after my heart. Care bout my feelings.

If not, I think I deserve to have another option of guy. Partly, I'm tired. I'm tired of helping guys save up money. Helping them not to eat expensive food or bugging them to buy me stuff. I sometimes really really hope that I can meet a guy whose financial stable and can afford spending some at me, so I wont be helping him save up but he himself can manage to save up for his own and our future. I wish to spend guys money. Wish to have romantic dinner together with candle lights around me with some beautiful nice scent of smell and few musician playing fabulous instrument infront of my dinner table. I wish everything of it.

Sometimes I think, Life is Unfair. Fatty now have to pay up lots of debts. And I have to give positive supports to him. But in his few years back, he will spend his money to his ex. His ex will suck up his money and live without stressing out, where else I'm here locking his money as tight as possible. Darent let him spend money. That's also can prove that - his ex will love him cause he can spend money for them. They wont worry bout his financial as he keep it all by himself. But since he's with me. I told him, no matter what, he need to tell me. Hard or tough, I hope he share with me and we can make it up or come up some plannings together. Sometimes miracle do happens.

That's why - even he wanna treat me nice food to eat, I rejected it. I rather take the money and put in the coin box and accumulate it little by little. He might think - just RM100 only. But hey! RM100 is money ok! Can pay up some debts. Now, I have to stay tough with him to clear up his debts for like 2-3years. Only later, will consider about future - if he treating me good. So I have to live hardlife once again. I dunno how long I can manage this kind of steps. I'm afraid I myself will fall down one day and ran off.

Just hoping he wont upsets me again. Like what Nicole told me:-
" tell ah nam to delete all his past lor if he seriously wan this relationship. if not forget abt u. if he wants to keep then keep it nicely la..dun keep here 1 piece there 1 piece. very irritating.want to clear then clear all. dun leave sisa sisa behind. kek sum arr...."

I also kek sum. See here abit. see there abit. Total = Lagi worst. How am I going to tell him? I wish he can know by himself. I dont wish to tell him everything. He's big enough to think if he's really really into this relationship. I will not tell him what and who I dont like. I will just let him figure out the things he do, and I will sit down at the side of the corner to see what he had admended himself to be a better man which I can reconsider him of my future. Somemore I will burst IF here I go save your money, (which is always eat food court or mamak) but there you go spend with others and have fun in nightlife. I can swear to GOD, I will never ever wanted to help you save your money, instead I will keep on digging your wallet until it rots.

I might be grumpy. Will talk alot of nonsense, say la - others can get Starbucks, but where else I get Teh O Ice limau only. What to do? I never had EXPENSIVE relationship before. But I know myself. If I never do bad, or never tiap gau people's money, I will have a peaceful life in future. Even if I'm not married and remaind single forever, I dont mind also. Why? Cause I can survive my own. Can take care my ownself. I dont depends on men to look for money to spare me some.

Like just now. I told Fatty tommorrow only meet, since I just back from work and I need a rest at home. Spend some time with my family. Then he told me, he will now go find Onn Chai and go rawang there. I MM SONG LIAO! How come he need to go out har! Everytime go out, sure got use up money de lor. Cant he stay at home and darbao his dinner himself or help his mum instead? Few minutes later, he told me he didnt go out with Onn Chai. I asked why? He said, Onn Chai after go rawang, then will go clubbing. Somemore today is Ladies Night. I told him "so? Go la. Can see leng lui woh" He say "I say I dont wan to go this kind of places already.". Ok. That's totally make sense and I'm happy for it.

Just hoping...hoping he can feel what's people feel right now.

*I know he wants me by his side everyday. Since especially if he's alone in the house together with his brother and his GF, and he have to go to his room - having nothing to do. But where else I'm good at home. I have TV and DVD Player, computer and internet, esp have Fat^Fat. So my life wont go boring but will get busy and busy each day and night. But one thing. Life is full of torture. Know you "san fu" but later in future - if we are still together, I will always be by your side till I die. That I can promise you, unless - no wrong doings towards me else I leave you without any trace.*